The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
