I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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