wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
