the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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