I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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