Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Damn victory sex feels great
There are leaves in my underwear?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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