I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
