Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
