Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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