Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
