I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Randomize
