I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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