im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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