I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
