meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
My bed smells like the plague
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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