We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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