i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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