For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
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She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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