dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
