you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Randomize
