Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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