A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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