Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
