And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
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Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
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He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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