I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
