youre lurking in front of me
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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