im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
