It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
