she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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