I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
