I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
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That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
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Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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