Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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