i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
