I murdered the dance floor call the cops
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
