Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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