i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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