He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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