??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
