Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
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