Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
im on a boat
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