While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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