First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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