I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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