someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
