i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
