Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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