I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
