Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
