I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
