She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
