We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
