I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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