Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
