dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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