Umm I'm too high to move.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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