Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize